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Friday, May 2, 2014

Mess: Five Minute Friday

Mess:

waking up first in the morning, mad. at a sameold sameold routine, flush with marital routine. . . mad...
kids rush, dress for 'dresslikeateacherday'... we need more male teachers, it gets difficult for boys in kindergarten to find clothes they're willing to wear to dress like a woman.  strange choices. backwards day? flipflop day?  lots of choices...
the mess of marital discord is like that stinking whale carcass that is making internet rounds.  what has great beauty is having a moment of fester and it stinks to holy hell.  (if hell is holy.  i suppose it must be if it was created by something Good.)
blagh.
I hate starting days like this.  all the trite 'don't go to bed mad' sayings weren't loud enough for me in this 12th year of marriage and avoiding eye contact takes all the spirit out of my anger.   I am tired and trying to think of what can get me over my hurdle this morning... no retail therapy option, trying to stay away from the magic of badforme food. 

there is of course, this writing therapy... and i'm hoping it'll alleviate some of my resentment and repetitious assault on what is this marriage i am in. 

noone ever lets on how difficult it is.... unless for them, it is truly not difficult.  is that for real?

i am in a season of stink, a grief-stricken calamity of spring.  yingyanging back and forth internally.  waiting desperately for something longer than a half hour of sun. 

thinking of my kids and how much i loved them yesterday made me want to gobble up the dirt... stick my face in it and glory at its richness... how weird is that mess?...
maybe something to do with hope, and growth... should be making eye contact more, maybe.  dirtface.

all done with my five minutes... no edits, yet again...



- this is from the Five Minute Friday prompt at http://lisajobaker.com/2014/05/five-minute-friday-mess/

4 comments:

Christy Willard said...

Wow! Brave and honest. I'm sorry that things are hard right now. I don't think marriage is easy. It has it's moments, but ebbs and flows like the tides. Good days and bad days and mad days…but as long as you keep finding each other. And don't let pride stand in the way of working it out. It doesn't have to be pretty, but it should always include Love. He is in the midst of this messy with you. Praying the day improves and you can find each other's eyes again.

Christy @ A Heartening Life
www.ahearteninglife.com

Jen said...

So well said. 20 years into my union and those same feelings surface here at the hive. Sometimes it does take all of my madness to just avoid eye contact. Sometimes suggesting that you just need a hug helps break down the wall without requiring any additional conversation. I pinned a fun broken pot garden idea on the old Pinterest. Maybe spend some time there today planning your beautiful garden. It's beautiful and vast in my mind! Hugs.

wifemotherexpletive said...

both of you, so comforting... thanks.

JEn!! 20 years, huh? shoot. i'll try your hug idea and see if it breaks the ice, we usually get there that way...
pinterest is killing whole hours while i wait for the weather to warm...

Thanks Christy... we'll find 'em...

Dana - Old Red Barn Co. said...

Your writing is honest. Real. I like the no edits. So much of life is unedited and your writing as such feels so real to read.

Dang husbands. Hope eye contact happens soon.