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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Days clicking along

i'm completely in an apathetic grief-crisis.  i have about no- things that i care very much about... and that is how i am handling grief over here.  i did manage to send the kids in with cards for their classmates and presents for their teachers.  i yelled to my husband to give the bus driver something. he did.
i am getting dressed, but often i am wearing what i slept in, which is clothing. sometimes i change my underwear or brush my hair. 
this behavior is not enjoyed or encouraged by my family.  i am not encouraging family visits and i do not want to socialize.  this is how i swing.
the kids are keeping me off the closet floor and that probably has benefits.
christmas vacation started last night and i am glad to skip routine entirely. i am .   let us be .

around 5:00 i cannot stop myself from yelling myself hoarse. i have to swallow to breathe.  this is not enjoyable.


i'm pretty sure everyone has a gift. pretty much. if not, i apologize and i am sure i will feel bad when i discover this, but today? right now?  its completely irrelevant and meaningless. so there.

i have waves of panic for my kids, my family, hubsJ, myself... when you are smacked with the suddenness of loss, you realize how tentative life as you know it is... the lie is 'as you know it'.... i try to seek out the apathy, what some might mistakenly call acceptance, to let the panic subside.  maybe its a form of meditation.  maybe its just a big 'fuckyou' to everything.  i can't tell.

i don't feel crazy or 'wrong'... i just feel magnified, in an unpleasant fashion. everything is bigger. and yet, less clear. very large fuzzy.

3 comments:

Mama Mama Quite Contrary said...

No wise words but just letting you know that I am thinking of you. We all are.

Jen said...

I too have no wise words and I too want to let you know I am thinking of you. And will continue to.... hope just knowing that offers a little help.

wifemotherexpletive said...

it does help, actually, to be thought of. ! so, good work on the helping. :) really, no snark involved.