Friday, March 1, 2013

bits, yo.

was talking about empty bits this week, the spaces we are always trying to fill in a sort of mania of gluttony, whether we identify it like that or not.
some use alcohol, some use textmessaging phonestuff, some go with the sugar or salt of badforyoufoods. . . and so on... ad nauseum.
its Lent, something I almost forgot in my quasi-Quakerness, as they don't follow liturgical lawbooks /'church' almost any way. but I like Lent, I like the giving up, the forcing oneself to make a small change and make our gluttony less somehow. the ritual, the cyclical nature of its recurrence. I like the reminder that the Christian mindset and miracle is all about acknowledging the importance of dying. the critically important death. DYING. not pretty, not easy, not dismissable. (and its critically important reversal!, yes!) ...
but I am all consumed with the run around and get it done of this family life and am smacking my head on a recurrent deathlike still moment that keeps happening. Empty bits, small deaths, disappointments... all glomming into dams, ruts, walls.... not easy, not dismissable, not pretty. reasons, reminders of death, endings, the unpredictability of life, the idea that consistency, dependability and all that jazz are just things we fool ourselves into believing in. growth and change are things that stretch us, make us uncomfortable... and they are much more real and helpful and life-charging than the times in between, those rest stops where we can stop and look around. . . so, i suppose they go hand in hand, maybe... the work, the rest, the work, the rest....

there is more here and i am in struggle with it, and so hopeful that i will lean towards growth and change and my empty bits will lead me ever forwards. . .