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Friday, June 5, 2015

terribly good.

i'm terribly good at saying no to myself.  terribly.  one would almost think its some sort of contest - my will against my what? my flagrant success? my sinful, wanton needs?  shoot, man.  self-abnegation is certainly not the american way, and it certainly doesn't seem to be lending itself to any peace, i can tell you that.  great, so i abstain from alcohol, i abstain from night-time meetings, i abstain from sex, it seems, although that one is not so much by choice but by circumstance. . . i abstain from spending money... when i am low i actively stay away from all things that might possibly be an actual benefit to my psyche.  - there are chocolate covered pretzels in the cabinet- full disclosure-
i can't even figure out anymore what it is that i want to say yes to.  what are the things that i want in life? to feel ?  most of my desires center around the kids, what i want for them, what i'd like to feel for them, what i'd like them to experience if they get the chance... so much so that when i get my minutes free and i've read the books, then i'm at a loss what to do- the laundry is running, the dishwasher is flooding, and i'm sometimes certain there is nothing left to do but socially network, and even that? not so good at it, just reading, not sharing. . . i think the point of it is to share, but i'm not so much with the sharing these days.
the walnut heart is taking its toll.
you've heard this before.  here's newstuff. but not really, since there is nothing new under the sun, and i buy into that one wholeheartedly. (nut-heartedly)
 
my mom is having a hysterectomy this coming week, to try to remove cancer by removing the whole kit.  and that is lurking on me... emotionally and logistically as i try to prepare to have her recovery take place in this 'family life'.

i miss my dad a lot because cancer is scary and he'd be doing all the stuff that i am, and more comfortingly for my mom, more privately, more assuredly.

the marriage is tricky and we're trying to work on it, which is scary, and isolating and heart-hurty.

the kids seem fine, much is needing to get done before the summer begins in two weeks.  much will not get done.

 i'm trying.

-wmx


Monday, May 11, 2015

Fear and Laundry, these United States. . .

WE're so totally first world, right?  WE're so completely luxurious and privileged and our streets ARE paved in gold. Have you SEEN the grocery stores around here?! good lord, twelve hundred ketchup bottles in every single one.

We've got Freddy Gray, we've got Mike Brown, we can't breathe, we have to be reminded that all lives matter, but black ones too. We have crazy states that believe they are under attack and Walmart has to get involved.  Fear at the roots? WE demand the Pledge of Allegiance but only if God is included. WE don't seem all that clear on the separation of church and state. Our children's schools are floundering with the little money and the over-reliance on fill in the box learning.  The politicians have stopped talking about the Middle Class because they can't recognize who that might be.  Politicians don't send their kids to public schools, don't send their kids to fight in wars. . . is this what money buys? Money has the most sway it has in any generation of American history, ever.  We still find ways to blame the poor for this.  Lets drug test 'em.  Lets also take away their ability to choose their own food.  How many prescription drug addicts do you think sit in Congress?
in congress, together. . . making plans for how to spend all that crazy tax money. . . journalism that doesn't exist anymore, what with its entertainment/profit measures. . .

today is depressing.  I'm going to do some more laundry and hang it on the line and make the decision to love that i make so often, and although I'm on my own with the laundry line, and the dewed grass on my feet, I can only make the smallest choices for my smallest homestead, in my smallest way, I'm still going to do the laundry, I'm still going to have my short-reaching goals: the laundry, the overnight, the school play... tiny, littles...

Thursday, May 7, 2015

GREEN

try and fight it. you cannot. i know. because i am a devotee of the resistance arts, and i know.  the world is greening up again.

Monday, May 4, 2015

INSane in the Maybrain.

long winter, right? seems like all the everythings we all dreamed about are spilling over into the month of May... all the sproutlets sprung.

good lord, it is busy. i am almost not keeping track anymore of the evenings, letting the kids fill me in on who gets picked up on which nights, who has a game, etc.  at least the broken pinkie has made game nights fewer and farther between.  so i pile whoever is home into the car and we drive out to find who is missing, and so far, as may is only a week old, it seems to be working. if we keep the baseball uniform and some snacks and extra sweaters in the car, we're basically good until bedtime.  although there is the 'dinner' part that i am so crap at.  i'll just feed them again when baseball is over, thats my plan.

i am awaiting peas, though i may have waiting too long, i think i was supposed to plant them last month. we'll see.  and i am awaiting radishes, and i can already see bits of red/pink peeks through the muds. . . and we have some flowers, though i am quite disappointed to say that i believe my dreamy fritillaria meleagris may have been planted in a mysterious corner of the yard to bloom unnoticed in peace.  they are supposed to bloom in march and frankly, we still had a pretty good snowcover at that time, so ?  where i thought i had planted them?  daffodils!  lovely. but not fritillaria melegris. i will keep typing that, and i will probably spell it differently every time.

i have been having 'realizations' lately. supah.
1. i need more friends.  there has been a bunch o' shite in the past few years that i haven't even told anyone about, not ANYone.  and thats not very good for me, and i am not an independent blossom who can handle everything on her own. so while those stories may go untold, i need to get myself some flowerfriends to bundle up with. make of my life a bouquet. dude with the loneliness, already.
2. i long for hard work. looong. and laundry just doesn't cut it. oooh, just remembered the sheets.
wooohoooo... got 'em out on the line!  such a wonderful time and smell and if these were not flannel, they would even SNAP.
i want my coveralls to be dirty and to stand on their own.  dig?

laundry doesn't cut it! and it seems that i work real fast and keep myself involved with small projects because i have so much damn free time and i spend a whole lot of it doing a whole damn nothing.
so i am frustrated by my own lassitude.

3.i've got a lot of potential...  see the problems #1, and #2 and imaginate the interweavings therein.
(imaginate SHOULD be a word, damnit.)  I do not blame motherood for the loose endings i;ve got, but i see that I have not handled it all as well as I should have, and i'm still actually ON the steep learning curve and whatnot.  How have you all done it? cooking? good god damn.

4. its possible that the littlest will hit a very partime nursery situation next year as she will be almost three and is a very social little.  this will rob me of the last of my excuses for the isolation and the at-homeness.  what then? i can't help but tell you there are little nibbles of fear on my fishing line there.

5.  metaphors and i are at home with each other. it is one of my best relationships.

Best to you!!
wmx

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Aging, graceful is for the magazines.

the magazine on aging: I picture perfect shadows in the soft white light, a woman's face turned aside, her wrinkled brow and crinkly eyes looking elsewhere, hair in full drift, frame. ... a face full of something undefined, not sadness, not grief, though she will have had much of both, her fair share, it would be lame and too easy to call it 'wisdom' but it surely has its connections to experience.

Watching people age into elderly in real life, is daunting. daunting. I'd love to say its full of meaningful lessons and i'm sure that it is at some level.  the level far far below sea level, where the bits lilt down, where the self-lighting fish live. ( and in there, you find a place too full of metaphor.)
but mostly what i am watching is discomfort and fear.  daunting. things are magnified: loneliness, fragility, emotional distance, reserve, independence, dependence, the complete and utter separation of body and mind, and their complete collaboration all at once.  complete, incomplete.  all the relationships of a lifetime replayed, a crescendo in a glass house. . .
this cycle, so damn evident in spring, is just mind-blowing, as preparation for death marches in lock-step alongside the daffodils and the coming tulips.  the very soil, i know, the very soil.